Content Official Users 02/13/2013
Weird Wednesday: Cat Poo Beauty, Heroin Bread, Pre-Teen Mom
Wednesday is Hump Day, which means people are starting to look ahead to the weekend (or to hip thrusting), but we think it’s a time to get a little weird. Luckily, there’s no shortage of that on the ‘net. Last week, we showed you expensive puke, squishy purple balls, and sticky icky that’ll make you super sicky. This week, prepare yourself for fake eyes, Lady Gaga, free divorce, kitty litter beauty mask, AIDS bread, pre-teen mom, terrifying tea, the mother of all mammals, and a scooter-riding dog.
Man’s Fake Eye Falls Out in Court via One Minute News
The old pop your fake out in court defense. Might not get you sympathy with the jury, but it will definitely distract everybody while you flee.
Lady Gaga’s List of Crazy Demands via Celeb TV
A former assistant spilled the beans and Lady’s peeved, but let’s get real if you’re willing to be her assistant, you have to either be A) exceptionally nuts yourself or B) trying to get a book/movie deal out of it. Of all the crazy crap Mother Monster’s pulled off, a mannequin with pink pubes is way down on the list.
Lawyer Offers Free Divorce for Valentine’s Day via Newsy
Happy Valentine’s Day, I want custody of the kids. A lawyer in Michigan is hosting a “Misery Contest” to reward the person with the best breakup story with a free divorce. It was inspired by a friend who was hosting a divorce party. It’s getting to the point where divorce is becoming a bigger celebration than marriage.
Kitty Litter Beauty Mask via Buzz60
Volcanic ash. Smells like ass. And that’s now on your face. It’s stories like these that make me cry, “Hypocrite!” when a hot chick bugs out over my (insert incredibly disgusting habit here). You rave about using feces and sperm on your face. Chill out.
Mom Finds Bloody Heroin Needle in Loaf of Bread via One Minute News
There are a lot of bread companies out there who claim their brand is the healthiest, but none will help you lose weight like this one. Sure, you’ll experience hallucinations, the cold sweats, and an early death, but only the good die young, right?
9-Year-Old Gives Birth in Mexico via One Minute News
There’s a lot of controversy over this story, with a bunch of critics claiming she’s probably closer to age 15 than 9. That’s a world of difference. First of all, your odds of catching cooties is way less once in high school. Secondly, if she really is 9, how much is it gonna suck for her prom date when she hits 16, 17, 18? She’s had a whole human run through her and she probably won’t stop bragging about her 9 year old (who’s also preggers).
Most Terrifying Ad Ever via One Minute News
Herbaria Tea’s new commercial features Pennywise, the Grim Reaper, and Leatherface drowning as a prelude to its tagline, “Drown your fears”. What if you fear change? What if there’s nothing to fear but fear itself? What if you have Tears for Fears? Would we no longer fear the beard? Apparently, Herbaria has never seen The Butterfly Effect. Read a book.
Prehistoric Rat is Mom of All Animals? via One Minute News
Here we are thinking we came from poop-hurling primates when we’re really all rats. Next time you see one scurry across the floor, don’t get grossed out – just do what you normally do when you see a relative, roll your eyes then fake a smile and half-hug ‘em.
Dog Rides Scooter via Associated Press
Speaking of evolution, if rats are the mother of all animals, then I have to think cats really are sinister since they are always chasing mice. Trying to murder their own ancestors. Dogs, on the other hand, are like let’s just do what the overlords tell us and we can stay fat and happy and nap all day. Dogs basically chose the blue pill in The Matrix.
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