Official Users 11/24/2012
5 Reasons Why You Should Love LiLo Again
Liz & Dick – a Lifetime “television movie event” about the torrid and tumultuous affair between Liz Taylor and Dick Burton – premieres on Sunday, 11/25. Ms. Lohan plays Liz, a casting choice that some found agreeable and others lost their minds over. The reviews thus far have been pretty bad, but no matter what Lindsay does I can’t bring myself to give her up or give up on her.
I’ve had a crush on the freckled spectacle since “Mean Girls” and no matter how many times she steals clothes, jewelry, cars or gets into coke-fueled fights with her mom or passes out in public places or goes to rehab or hooks up with dudes other than me, I can’t seem to shake the feels for this broad.
I’ve had daydreams of saving her, rescuing her, whisking her away from all the scrutiny and family drama to some deserted location off the grid where the nearest paparazzi is 5,000 miles away and just have at it. I hate myself for having these fantasies because I chastise chicks for liking bad boys; meanwhile, Lindsay’s the penultimate bad girl.
My grandiose delusions of passion with her are often cut short when I think about how easily bored she’d get, prompting her to stir up some trouble for kicks. My junk would be in serious jeopardy.
Anyway, here are 5 reasons you should fall in love (or lust) with LiLo all over again.
1. Liz & Dick
I think casting her was the right choice. Rumor has it Megan Fox and Olivia Wilde were also in the running but nobody can pull off crazy train like Lohan.
2. Scary Movie 5
She’s the only reason to see this unnecessary sequel. Can you imagine if she and Sheen got together in real life? I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of the Apocalypse. As soon as their genitals connect, the Western Hemisphere will detonate.
3. First Point
Say what you will about her, but she can pull off sultry like no other. Make me want to do hood rat things with my friends.
If you’re wondering why you can’t find this in imdb, it’s because it’s a short film by Richard Phillips that focuses on surfing. I’m focused on body surfing Lindsay’s curves. As much as I’d like that be an opus on par with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it’d probably end up closer in running time to a teaser trailer.
4. The Canyons
It’s no secret Lindsay wants to be this generation’s Marilyn Monroe. She’s got the 50s/60s sex siren look down pat. Word is even popular porn star James Deen was a little intimidated by her. Don’t blame him. If she were alive in the 50s and 60s, we might not have seen the 70s.
5. InAPPropriate Comedy
I don’t get movies like this and “Underground Comedy”; Direct-to-DVD/Blu-ray titles that have name talent but are absolute train wrecks. It makes me think that the producer is collecting favors from these celebs for getting them out of serious jams. Like hey, remember when I got you off the hook for murder? Now you have to win 5 Razzies. If that’s the case, expect Lindsay to appear in these kinds of movies every year for the rest of her life. And I have ZERO issue with that.
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