Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks – NOW! RIGHT NOW! I NEED MY FIX! AHHHHHH! Fresh off the news that Hostess has gone under and Twinkies are now as precious as gold comes the announcement that Cracker Jack will release a caffeinated version of their popular ballgame snack. Though America is constantly seeking more and more ways to increase their energy levels – I’m not sure this is a good move.

They’ve already received a slew of letters from advocacy groups citing the product’s dangers to kids, but screw the kids, what about us? I’m a huge 5-hour Energy shot guy but in the past month or so I’ve heard about numerous deaths linked to its use. I feel like the person who’s been chain smoking for 50 years hearing that it causes lung cancer for the first time. Here I am thinking I’m healthy as hell when, in reality, I’m neck deep in my own grave.

They say it’s not being marketed to kids but who else is this product intended for? Adults who don’t drink coffee or tea or 5-hour energy or Red Bull or Monster? Adults whose Adderall prescription expired? Recovering cokeheads? Hey, I get it, baseball’s boring but sprinkling caffeine on everything will only lead to bleacher brawls. Yankee Stadium might blow up.

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Neal is the Editor of Dailymotion’s Sports, Comedy, and Viral Channels.