Official Users 11/07/2012
8 Highly-Classified Files From James Bond’s ‘Skyfall’ Dossier
Skyfall, the twenty-third installment of the James Bond franchise, is set to shake and stir theaters this weekend. This will be the third time Daniel Craig assumes the role of 007 and as the saying goes, it’ll be a charm. Advanced reviews have called this ‘the best Bond yet’ and not just a great Bond film, but a great film in general. It’s also already a commercial success with more than $150 million pulled in overseas.
So, whether you’re a diehard agent or a newb operative, we’ve compiled this briefing for your next mission: Infiltrate theaters, pose as an audience member, and gather as much intel from the screening of Skyfall as possible. These files will better prep you for your task…
The Bond Girls
Naomie Harris as ‘Eve’ / ‘Miss Moneypenny’
INTEL: 36-year-old actress from London, England who’s appeared in 28 Days Later, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, and Miami Vice. Other vital data — her curly hair is very bouncey when running with gun trained.
Berenice Marlohe as ‘Severine’
INTEL: 33-year-old actress from Paris, France. This is her first American film. Claims Bond Girls aren’t models. Rumor has it Kate Upton will be a Bond Girl. So, she’s no longer a model? I’ve gone cross-eyed.
On a side note, after shooting for 16 hours a day, Daniel Craig would work out for an additional 2 hours. Seriously, dude?
Who’s the Best Bond?
While most would argue that Sean Connery will always be top Bond – as the above video proves – I grew up with Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan. Sadly enough, I never really warmed up to Dalton. I enjoyed Moore, but he made a bigger impression on me in Cannonball Run. Maybe he was just too goofy and hence completely warped my ability to hit on women?
On a side note, have you ever heard of these Bonds? Barry Nelson (1954), David Niven (1967), George Lazenby (1969), and Christopher Cazenove (1973). Because this is news to me.
Craig’s been cool – definitely a different take on the dapper dude – but is this his last mission? Who’s next in line? Michael Fassbender, maybe?
The Theme Song
One of the most popular spies (definitely #1 in terms of bedding broads) vocally backed by the most popular singer in the galaxy (and the easiest to cry to) Adele. Solid GOLDfinger right there. But the theme is just so good that just anybody can make it sound dope on a rope…like these guys…
…or these robots…
Everyone instantly gets their steely gaze on when the first couple of notes play.
The One Liners
I. Love. Puns. Nobody pulls off puns better than Ian Fleming’s fancy fabrication. One-liners are the staple of action films, but Mr. Bond’s delivery is so casual and subtle its cheesiness or corniness never exceeds tolerance levels.
The Top Seductions
I’m sorry but “I thought Christmas only comes once a year” is the line of the millenium.
The Cliff’s Notes: 50 Years in 5 Minutes
Witty, charming ladies man with tons of gadgets at his disposal pulling off over-the-top stunts in between bumping uglies with the most beautiful women on Earf and killin’ villains.
Mix in some evil blonde Javier Bardem and you’ve got yourself a surefire hit.
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