Official Users 10/25/2012
16 Seriously Creepy Halloween Items on Etsy
I’m a creepy guy. Not in the ‘I store body parts in jars of my own waste’ creepy, but I just happen to enjoy the slightly offbeat. OK, maybe even pervy uncle creepy.
Halloween’s a good time to be creepy. For the most part, it’s encouraged and all in good fun. However, there’s a line and these items on Etsy cross it. Big time. Owning any of these goes beyond your standard macabre celebration and borders on pre-meditated territory. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife ‘cuz we found sixteen items on Etsy that are straight up sinister.
When were these dolls ever popular? Seriously, there used to be little girls clamoring for these soulless denizens of disturbery? Yes, I just made that word up. These fake babies give heeby jeebies. So many questions surrounding this. Why 5? Why tied together? Is there a monstrous mom out there looking to put these on her quintuplets to freak people out? Lock her up ASAP.
At first, I didn’t think much of the doll. ‘She’ looks like a character from The Corpse Bride or LittleBigPlanet, but then the camera pans down to what I assume is her daughter with wearing the same clothing and morose expression and I lost it. Goosebumps. Crawling skin. Someone’s getting murdered and it ain’t gonna be pretty.
Meanwhile, this doll looks like it’s about to get the big, black, lifeless Lasik surgery.
Yeah, I get it, finger cookies. I’m no cannibal and I’m not itching to try bath salts. This would be a huge hit with the guy who was high on PCP. He might not have any fingers of his own left to enjoy them but at least others will be spared. If you’d rather finger yourself or get ‘toe up’, there’s also severed finger soaps and big toe soaps. For some reason, the bloody brain soap doesn’t seem so bad in comparison.
Welp … at least they’re better than STD cupcakes. And, they’ve probably already got a spokesman lined up – Ben Stein … “Dry, red eyes?”
The narrator states the owner of this particular piece of Americana Horror Story isn’t sure if it’s a photograph or a life-like painting. Personally, I’m hoping it’s a photograph because the idea of a painter sitting there in some attic as these two steal his innocence with their gaze is extremely unsettling. My guess is they died and he propped them up. One or more of those people involved is from the seventh ring of hell. No doubt.
Not to get too graphic, but my biggest fear about death is the maggots on me. I know I won’t feel them, but ew. Ew. Then ew. Mix in some ew. No worse way than dying via throat slash. I’m dry-heaving while I shop online for steel-reinforced turtlenecks.
Hey, look! More frightening baby dolls! I’m getting a vasectomy.
Not enough room to fit your severed body parts? Try this wooden organizer.
As opposed to a dreamboat zombie? Such an undead hunk!
Watching Planet of the Apes? Not so bad. LIVING on the Planet of the Apes? Terrifying. No spanks, monkey.
Why are trees scary? It’s the bark, right? Like a cross between Thing from Fantastic Four and Killer Croc from Batman. Rub on some Oil of Olay, dude.
12. Human Skin Mask
95% chance it’s really human skin.
A cross between Chucky and the Garbage Pail Kids. Put that in your pie and cook it.
I know. It’s just a cup. What’s the big deal? Well, when it starts drinking you, I won’t be answering your ’911′ texts.
Really no need to explain this one. You’re on the federal watch list when the transaction completes.
Hey, yeah, Pharoahs! Egypt! First of all, cats are the worst. They’re Satanic creations. Secondly, I’m not waiting around for this thing to start slowly staggering towards me with its paws out. Nothing worse than a dry pussy.
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