I’m a creepy guy. Not in the ‘I store body parts in jars of my own waste’ creepy, but I just happen to enjoy the slightly offbeat. OK, maybe even pervy uncle creepy.

Halloween’s a good time to be creepy. For the most part, it’s encouraged and all in good fun. However, there’s a line and these items on Etsy cross it. Big time. Owning any of these goes beyond your standard macabre celebration and borders on pre-meditated territory. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife ‘cuz we found sixteen items on Etsy that are straight up sinister.

1. 5 Antique Doll Faces Hanging From A String

When were these dolls ever popular? Seriously, there used to be little girls clamoring for these soulless denizens of disturbery? Yes, I just made that word up. These fake babies give heeby jeebies. So many questions surrounding this. Why 5? Why tied together? Is there a monstrous mom out there looking to put these on her quintuplets to freak people out? Lock her up ASAP.

Something tells me this baby was responsible for the de-facing of his/her peers. More of a leg guy? Etsy has you covered.

2. Frowning Woman and Daughter Rag Dolls

At first, I didn’t think much of the doll. ‘She’ looks like a character from The Corpse Bride or LittleBigPlanet, but then the camera pans down to what I assume is her daughter with wearing the same clothing and morose expression and I lost it. Goosebumps. Crawling skin. Someone’s getting murdered and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

If you feel like maybe their eyes aren’t big and black and lifeless enough, give this Steampunk doll or this one a shot (to the face before it stabs you to death).

Meanwhile, this doll looks like it’s about to get the big, black, lifeless Lasik surgery.

3. Severed Finger Cookies & Hair Clips & Soaps

Yeah, I get it, finger cookies. I’m no cannibal and I’m not itching to try bath salts. This would be a huge hit with the guy who was high on PCP. He might not have any fingers of his own left to enjoy them but at least others will be spared. If you’d rather finger yourself or get ‘toe up’, there’s also severed finger soaps and big toe soaps. For some reason, the bloody brain soap doesn’t seem so bad in comparison.

4. Bloodshot Eyeball Cupcakes

Welp … at least they’re better than STD cupcakes. And, they’ve probably already got a spokesman lined up – Ben Stein … “Dry, red eyes?”

5. ‘Creepy Old People’

The narrator states the owner of this particular piece of Americana Horror Story isn’t sure if it’s a photograph or a life-like painting. Personally, I’m hoping it’s a photograph because the idea of a painter sitting there in some attic as these two steal his innocence with their gaze is extremely unsettling. My guess is they died and he propped them up. One or more of those people involved is from the seventh ring of hell. No doubt.

6. Slashed Throat Maggot Necklace

Not to get too graphic, but my biggest fear about death is the maggots on me. I know I won’t feel them, but ew. Ew. Then ew. Mix in some ew. No worse way than dying via throat slash. I’m dry-heaving while I shop online for steel-reinforced turtlenecks.

7. Devil’s Own Spawn

Hey, look! More frightening baby dolls! I’m getting a vasectomy.

8. Leather Eye Clutch

Not enough room to fit your severed body parts? Try this wooden organizer.

9. Nightmare Zombie Mask

As opposed to a dreamboat zombie? Such an undead hunk!

10. Ape Face Prosthetic Mask

Watching Planet of the Apes? Not so bad. LIVING on the Planet of the Apes? Terrifying. No spanks, monkey.

11. Tree Watcher Mask

Why are trees scary? It’s the bark, right? Like a cross between Thing from Fantastic Four and Killer Croc from Batman. Rub on some Oil of Olay, dude.

12. Human Skin Mask

95% chance it’s really human skin.

13. Pumpkin Patch Baby Doll

A cross between Chucky and the Garbage Pail Kids. Put that in your pie and cook it.

14. Big-nosed Toothy Grin Paperclay Cauldron

I know. It’s just a cup. What’s the big deal? Well, when it starts drinking you, I won’t be answering your ’911′ texts.

15. Nude Female Torso Prop Latex Body Cast

Really no need to explain this one. You’re on the federal watch list when the transaction completes.

16. Mummified Cat Sculpture

Hey, yeah, Pharoahs! Egypt! First of all, cats are the worst. They’re Satanic creations. Secondly, I’m not waiting around for this thing to start slowly staggering towards me with its paws out. Nothing worse than a dry pussy.

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Neal is the Editor of Dailymotion’s Sports, Comedy, and Viral Channels.