You shouldn’t fear the beard, unless of course you’re batting against Brian Wilson. Even then, you’d most likely be laughing not shaking in your cleats since the guy’s a goofball. True, some women despise beards. My ex-girlfriend refused to sleep with me when I had one. Fortunately, I didn’t mind because I felt like a hybrid caveman-lumberjack.

With Movember right around the corner, lots of dudes (and select genetically odd broads) will be growing mustaches to raise awareness for prostate cancer research. However, today (October 18th), is No Beard Day aka Shave Your Beard Day – a day most likely celebrated by straight women around the world. Well, I say nay. Don’t bow down to the woMAN. Keep that fuzzy facemask. Here are 5 reasons why.

1. You Can Make Your Own Beer

Listen, I’m the last guy on Earth to advocate hair being anywhere near food or drink. I immediately begin dry-heaving and tearing up. But if a beard can get me drunk, I’ll pour it through a strainer.

2. You Can Paint With It

Bob Ross would be proud. Paint me like one of your new French girls, Jack.

3. You Can Win Competitions

Not athletic or smart? Then this is your ticket to victory.

4. You Can Store Stuff in It

Remember that episode of ‘Family Guy’ where Peter grows a beard and stores bird’s eggs in it? It inspired me to grow a beard. Unfortunately, it didn’t get long enough to act as carrier, but if you’re short on pockets, go long on facial hair. Not to mention, the toothpick trick turns you into a porcupine – you could basically make lewd comments and cuss out anyone and they can’t do anything about it. Well, at least to your face. NOT THE FACE!

5. You Can Film an Awesome Time-Lapse Video

Sure, you might not hook up during the filming, but set that to some cool music and boom – you’re an avant-garde filmmaker with a fine appreciation of nature and humanity. That’s the sound of panties dropping everywhere.

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I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out 2 reasons to shave your mug ASAP:

1. The Amish Will Commit a Hate Crime Against You

2. Someone Will Force You To Eat It

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Neal is the Editor of Dailymotion’s Sports, Comedy, and Viral Channels.