Halloween’s right around the corner. If you’re a kid, get ready to barf your brains out from overdosing on candy. For adults, it means hot girls in revealing get-ups and random hook-up stories. For me, it’s usually wearing something tight to show off, ahem, The Bulge.

Last year, I had to go to a wedding (who does that?) so I was unable to partake. This year, I’m chompin’ at the bit for a quality costume. There are way too many sites giving their take on the best costume ideas. I’m not gonna barrage you with that because the list is endless. I will provide you with some basic guidelines, though. If all else fails, just take Adam Sandler’s advice.

1. Don’t Blow Your Budget

Unless you’re crazy good at selling crap on eBay, I’d probably pass on dropping $1,000 on an authentic Storm Trooper costume. A handful of people will be impressed (those people are tweens), but other adults will think you’re an idiot. Even if you do win a costume contest, those things pay at most $500. So, you win that, sell it on eBay and break even. Sounds like a lot of work.

2. If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It

As much as I can’t stomach Kim K, she does have a nice body. I like curves and she’s got ‘em and I hate myself for even writing / thinking about her. But, she proves my point, you work hard to get that body (or you’re just born with it), this is the holiday to put it on full display. On the flip side, if you have the complete opposite of a hard body – have a sense of humor and poke fun at it.

3. A Weird Wig Can Go a Long Way

This is more for the ladies – or dudes dressing as ladies – than it is for guys. Fun fact: There was a brunette I’d met several times before and I didn’t really pay her no mind then she pops on a bright colored wig H-ween night and I end up in her bedroom. As for dudes, you can’t go wrong with a mullet, afro, or mohawk. Just steer clear of hipster villages – you’ll just end up blending in.

4. Don’t Wear Your Smartphone

I know – it seems like a really cool idea. But, let’s take a step back for a sec – how much of a pain in the ass is this gonna be? I could understand if you don’t have any friends, but to keep pulling that out and putting it back in for every text or call? Not to mention when tough guys find out you’re wearing expensive equipment, they’re gonna want to destroy it. Some men just want to watch the world burn. In short, don’t wear something you care about getting ruined.

5. Celebrities – They’re Just (Not) Like Us!

Quite possibly the easiest way to hook up on the ‘Ween. Joe and Jill Everybody love celebs – most would drop trou or hop in bed with a celeb in a heartbeat. Get the act down for guaranteed in-and-out.

6. Don’t Try To Out-Heidi-Klum Heidi Klum

On the other end of the hook up spectrum is Heidi Klum. Beautiful women, incredibly ornate outfits. You wear this and you’re basically saying to all suitors this is gonna get complicated. She’s got mountains of cash to blow on this, you most likely don’t. Plus, they’re just plain scary. I know that’s the whole point of All Hallow’s Eve, but there’s a line… and Heidi’s the finest of them.

7. Be Prepared For Consequences

No matter where you go, there’s gonna be one guy or girl who crosses the line. He or she wants a reaction, thinking it’ll attract attention and end with someone who’s like-minded or sick enough to share in their twisted enjoyment.

I’m not lucky, I’m no gambler. I don’t want to roll the dice on offending the host of the open bar and getting kicked out before the night’s up. Let my blacked out actions do that for me. Get your money’s worth.

8. Don’t Dress Up Your Pets

I’ve been on the fence about this for a while, but I feel like unless the costume is super easy to put on and take off and doesn’t hinder the beast in any way, it’s just wrong. We think it’s cute, but who knows what the hell’s going through their heads. It could be driving them up a wall. I once put a sheet around my dog’s neck as a cape. He then ate all my socks and underwear. I’ve been barefoot and commando ever since. Let ‘em be.

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Neal is the Editor of Dailymotion’s Sports, Comedy, and Viral Channels.