Official Users 09/24/2012
The Day Drinker’s Guide To Surviving Oktoberfest
Oktoberfest kicked off this past Saturday. Huh? What? But it’s still September. If that just came out of your mouth, you’re a n00b. If you’ve ever seen Broken Lizard’s 2006 comedy Beerfest, you know exactly what we’re brewing. For those who haven’t, it’s a 16-day festival held annually in Munich, Bavaria, Germany and is considered the world’s largest fair, with more than 6 million attendees each year. As a weathered day drinker, I thought I’d share my ‘wisdom’ on surviving the longest, most famous day drinking event in history. You will die if you don’t read this. I’m not kidding. I just did a search on AP’s site for images and half of ‘em were people who looked like their entire world had been shattered.
1. If you plan to sit on a structure that doesn’t look sound, send a drunk chick out on it first to test it out.
2. By now, it should be pretty clear that everyone grows balls and a cape when lit up. You’re gonna want to prove how physically gifted you are. You will fail. On the bright side, it won’t hurt AS much when you do.
With that said, I’m a sucker for challenges. It’s hard for me to say no. After years of accepting challenges and failing, I’ve realized it’s best to be the guy yelling, ‘You won’t!’ then the guy screaming back, ‘Yeah I will – watch this!’
Ah, but if you succeed… legend status.
3. Avoid trampolines. Or anything that you probably couldn’t even do sober.
4. Dudes should never dance on anything except the floor. This is most evident at bars. I tried to do the Gangnam Style dance last Sunday Funday on a bench and almost got my throat ripped out.
However, if for some miraculous reason you’re a guy and you’re allowed to dance on something and you feel the object you’re dancing on give way, abandon ship. No need to be a hero. This isn’t war.
5. Trust us, the view is not worth it. There is plenty to look at chest level. Wear shades for maximum creeper capacity.
6. The only object you should swing is in your pants and that should happen in the port-a-john. Ladies, feel free to swing your objects at will whenever however wherever.
7. You ever had the spins? It’s a nearly never-ending amusement ride from Hell. Why anyone would voluntarily spin while drunk dancing is beyond me. This guy decides to take a swing at it at the 1:40 mark.
Of course, I say that and I spun like a frickin’ dreidel at my buddy’s wedding a couple years back on a bum knee about two dozen drinks deep. I shouldn’t be advising anyone on anything.
8. Stay away from glass. That simple. Glass + Drunk = Oil & Water – they don’t mix. There will be blood ain’t just a movie. If something is breakable, just walk away. That’s a fight you will lose every time.
9. I’m the last guy on Earth to tell that you ol’ tightwad phrase, ‘Know when to say when’, but hopefully the only face plant you achieve comes into your bed and not Tommy Boy style.
10. To be honest, I could give you a bible’s worth of rules, but it’s pointless. We’re Americans. We drink cheap, crappy beer that has 1/10th the ABV of German beers. We like to think we can day drink, but the Germans have us beat hands down. Mix in as many waters and Wienerschnitzel you can, you’re still gonna end up naked, bruised, and broken in public and on the internet. ENJOY!
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