Official Users 09/20/2012
Amanda Bynes vs. Lindsay Lohan: Who’d You Rather …?
Amanda Bynes has been called, ‘The NEW Lindsay Lohan‘ by various media outlets after repeated run-ins with the law – most notably getting stoned in her car, locking herself in a dressing room, having her car impounded – not to mention getting thrown out of a gym class, and locking herself in a dressing room . LiLo’s not too happy about the severity – or lack thereof – of Amanda’s punishment. The whole ordeal has become a good ol’ fashioned Disney vs. Nickelodeon free for all, y’all. The formerly family-friendly feud between the two child stars gone wild got us thinking – gun to our head (or more appropriately knife to our throat), who would we rather date? We’re not talking about a one-night stand or a hook up here and there – you and I and every guy/bi/lesbian knows we’d roll the dice on that. We’re talking a relationship that – outside of the occasional threesome – is exclusive.
So, we’re presenting you with the pros and cons of dating each destructive diva.
IN THIS CORNER: Amanda Bynes
AGE: 26 | HEIGHT: 5’8″ | WEIGHT: ~120 lbs.
MEASUREMENTS: 34B-25-34 | HOMETOWN: Thousand Oaks, CA | EXP: ’93-’10
Parents – They didn’t know she was in trouble, so right off the bat, you know they’re pretty hands off. They have dropped everything to move to Cali to support her, which is nice. Her mom is a dental assistant and office manager and her father is a dentist who also practiced stand-up comedy. There’s a stat somewhere saying that dentists have the highest incidence of suicide among professionals. The same could be true about stand-up comedians. Still, the combination of laughing gas with a 30-minute set on oral hygiene sounds appealing.
Religion – Her father is Catholic and her mother is Jewish, which means she’s open-minded about spirituality. I don’t think she’s committed one way or another, but having perspective is huge. Of course, there are those who’ll scream ‘lack of conviction!’ Chill out.
Standards (?) – When it comes to suitors, AmanDUH has said, “There is nothing less attractive than a guy who is a jerk and has an ego.” She’s been rumored to have dated Kid Cudi, Doug Reinhardt, Seth MacFarlane, David Cross, Channing Tatum, Frankie Muniz, and Taran Killam. You could say that she’s like most girls in that she says she wants a nice guy but ends up with the a-hole / d-bag. Or, you could say she has good intentions. Either way, she not only has a sense of humor (she’s been compared to Lucille Ball) but she apparently genuinely likes guys with one. Be on the lookout for our upcoming comedy special.
Saving the best for last – Amanda has sex appeal but she rarely lets it out and when she does it’s usually masked or overshadowed by her slapstick goofiness. She gave us a taste of her sultry side with a straight sexy spread for Maxim in February 2010, but that’s about it. Low supply, high demand. Much more to see and reveal.
Youngest of three children – Going by years of studies on family dynamics, hat means she’s the baby. The princess. She gets what she wants. Possibly spoiled? On the other hand, it could also mean that she’s learned from her elder siblings’ mistakes.
Retired from acting – Some might see this as a ‘pro’, but it’s not like she’s on top of a nest egg. As BF and GF, we won’t be hanging in Florida at a bungalow. Instead …
Working as fashion designer – Again, depending on who you are, this could be a ‘pro.’ But, we’re not exactly fashion types (Zubaz are still in, right?). Plus, working with all those statuesque models would take its toll. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! NOTHING!
Priorities – Bynes once said she’s “…the girl whose biggest nightmare would be to lose my makeup bag while traveling.” Yikes. 1) Au natural is just fine. 2) Someone’s never seen the ratings for ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’. That’s a nightmare.
Anti-Drinking – The ‘All That’ alum stated, “drinking isn’t good for you in every way. It’s not good for your skin; it makes you feel horrible. So, drinking-wise, no.” Granted, this was earlier in her career, she’s actually backed off that stance a little, but Daddy likes his medicine. You wouldn’t like us when you’re sober.
HORRIBLE DRIVER – Amandapants has been arrested and charged with driving under the influence after side-swiping a police car, driving while intoxicated for allegedly refusing a police officer’s request to submit to and/or complete a chemical test, and a hit-and-run related to leaving the scene of two separate accidents. Her driver’s license has been suspended and her BMW has been impounded. Those last two aren’t so bad – leaves us more time to make out in the back seat of the stretch Hummer limo. Plus, the stench of weed permeating the interior would get to us after a while.
IN THIS CORNER: Lindsay Lohan
AGE: 26 | HEIGHT: 5’5″ | WEIGHT: ~115 lbs. | MEASUREMENTS: 34D-25-33
HOMETOWN: New York, NY | EXP: ’89-PRESENT
Oldest of three children – She’s been the first to make mistakes and to learn from them. A leader of her own sibling pack?
She’s a hero – At least, according to imdb, she once saved her brother and youngest sibling, Dakota from drowning. We know she’s willing to risk her life with a lot of the crazy things she does, but it’s nice to know she’s willing to do it for others as well.
Bi-sexual – Real talk for a sec. If you don’t think a third party joins the party between the sheets and that party has a similar set-up to Linds, you’re just as coo-coo for cocoa puffs.
Is down for anything – Hello, new experiences!
Parents – former Rockette and Wall Street analyst, current Mom-ager. Long-time Wall Street trader who developed his family’s multi-million-dollar pasta business
Owns a fashion line – Same reason as Amanda. Only we’re guessing they’re will be much more coke involved and a lot of questionable decision-making and a ton more controversy. Screaming matches galore. We’ll wait outside.
Is down for anything – Goodbye, sanity, health, and clean record. Burglary, fleeing the scene, nudity, threesomes, coke, knives, bankruptcy, extortion, lawsuits, stalkers, etc.
HORRIBLE DRIVER – The list of infractions goes on and on. The only way we’d ever get in a car with Lindsay behind the wheel is if we’re bubble-wrapped and strapped in a NASCAR harness.
AND THE WINNER IS…
Hey, we’re talking dating, not marriage. If Lindsay’s proven anything it’s that she’s tough as nails, a proven winner. She takes her lumps (in more ways than one) and keeps on truckin’ – hopefully, not literally because like we said, awful driver. She’s invincible. Maybe if Amanda keeps up this pace and survives, we’ll reconsider. For now, it’s Lohan fo’ sho’, man.
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