Official Users 09/04/2012
10 Reasons To Get Pumped For Football Season
You smell that? No, not that rancid stink coming from the fridge. I’m talking about that distinct ‘fall is coming’ aroma that tickles the nostrils. With the arrival of fall comes America’s greatest sport (sorry, baseball), marked by freshly clipped grass, the rich scent of pigskin, and that new helmet smell. It’s in the air and it gives me goosebumps. It’s football season.
The NFL kicks off another sure-to-be classic season tonight. And while I really don’t think I have to give any diehard fans out there any reasons to get pumped, here’s a primer to get your motor running. Yes, people. GET EXCITED.
If you’re fortunate (and wealthy) enough to attend a game and sit field level, you might miss every snap thanks to to these spirited minxes. Luckily (or unluckily) you won’t have to worry about that when the Bears, Browns, Giants, Lions, Packers, or Steelers play. If you’re at home or at the bar taking in a game, you’ll be able to catch glimpses coming in and out of commercials. But, it’s the homebodies that get to rewind and bask in the gorgeous glory thanks to DVR.
This random Granny gets her freak on at USC-UCLA football pregame tailgate party. She demonstrates how to properly get the job done before the more important task at hand – DROWNING OUT THE OPPONENT WITH NOISE POLLUTION. You can’t just expect fans to roll into a stadium without warming up. We need to loosen the throat, the arm, and the vocal chords. The 12th Man is key for a home victory.
3. Replacement Refs (Particularly the First Female Ref)
So far, the replacements refs have been a complete disaster. While most fans fear this will lead to a cavalcade of atrocious calls that will ultimately ruin their team’s season, we think it will only lead to AMAZING fail videos. At some point, you have to just relax, breathe deep, and embrace the comic nature of these unqualified buffoons.
CLICK HERE TO SEE REFEREE FAILS
4. The Mascots
If you’re a straight girl, a girlfriend, a wife or a guy with any of the aforementioned, you probably aren’t or can’t keep your eyes on the cheerleaders. So, what do you do during downtime? Watch the mascot make a complete jackass of himself. The best is when mascots from opposing teams square off in a seemingly harmless showdown then end up trying to beat the snot out of each other. That’s when all the sweat from a heavily padded suit is worth it.
5. The Return of Peyton Manning and Randy Moss
The majority of you readers out there are most likely rolling your eyes, but consider this – if you’re NOT a Peyton patron, you can look forward to him struggling to match his numbers in Indy and getting orange crushed in the process. Who doesn’t like a heavy dose of Manning Face?
As for Randy, he’s refusing to speak to the media. But that can only last so long. When he does decide to break his vow of silence, it should be straight cash, homey.
CHECK OUT SEASON PREVIEWS FOR EACH TEAM
6. Fantasy Leagues
Fantasy Sports is getting out of hand. I’m personally in 3 leagues this year and had to turn down 3 more. Each draft is a full on party. Each week has team owners cringing, cracking up, and cursing the TV screen during seemingly innocuous and uninteresting plays or games. The guy who brings the laptop to the bar? He needs to be institutionalized. That said, what do you think about taking AP in the 4th and starting Gronk over Graham?
CLICK HERE FOR MORE FANTASY ADVICE
7. Cheesy Commercials
This effort from ‘Hip Hop Jerry’ is a joke. But, it got the job done, just look at all the media outlets covering it. The DirecTV spots featuring Eli, Peyton, and Deion have been – by most standards – a hit. And despite what most critics say about the NFL Network Fantasy Football Guy (who’s a hybrid of Brian Wilson and Ron Burgundy), we still can’t help but chuckle when he talks.
CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE FUNNY COMMERCIALS
I know, I know. By now, even the Amish are sick of seeing Tim Tebow’s every move documented. But, that doesn’t change the fact that all eyes will be on him and the Jets offense as they try to prove their move was the right one to make. There should be plenty of ups and downs to praise and scrutinize over the course of the season. I’m not a Jets fan, but they should be fun to watch (if not for the play on the field, but for the drama off it).
LORD KNOWS YOU DON’T NEED MORE TEBOW, BUT HERE IT IS
9. The Stars of Tomorrow: RGIII, Luck, Tannehill, Robinson, Barkley
Everyone loves (or loves to hate) a good comeback story – see Peyton Manning. But, what puts rumps in the bleachers are the young bucks with big time potential. Cam Newton was a human highlight reel last year and we expect much of the same from RGIII. Throw in Andrew Luck, Ryan Tannehill and a host of other unproven rookies and you’re bound to get blown away for better or worse.
10. The Inevitable Angry Crying Fan Reactions
I’m not gonna lie. I used to throw absolute hissy fits when I was a young’un if the Giants losed. Luckily for me my parents had the decency to NOT film my hysterical, tear-streaked rants. Nowadays, parents are constantly recording their kids. So, good luck with that, Leaders of Tomorrow. But, the most disturbing / most entertaining fan reactions come from fully “matured” adults. Sobbing and kicking and generally Hulking out because Billy Cundiff kicked wide left. Take it easy, guys. It’s just a trip to the Super Bowl.
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